The King of Ducks

The Duke of Zhou says that if you dream of climbing to a high place and gazing far out over the land it means it has already been settled that you will get a promotion. He should have added that if you dream about quacking ducks it will mean that the duck king is going to have his revenge on you for eating innocent tender duck webs (see below). Anyway, it was a good day for rights, and for beginning one's studies (hurray) but a bad day for praying or getting married. Also, it might have added, for being treated to dinner, but alas, there was no such warning...

As you might expect, all my recent productivity has had its roots in a little deadline of sorts. It happened that we dropped by YHz's office last week so that WW could borrow her library card, and YHz said that she would be busy until Wednesday, but that we should meet then and have dinner. So yesterday morning, I wrote her a quick text message asking what time would be convenient for her. Now, she said, or at 3, or tomorrow morning. I decided on 3 and dashed around for the next four hours in a frenzy of getting things prepared.

At 3 I showed up in her office. Her middle school age daughter was there, so we went into the lounge. I felt nervous, but I started to discuss the things I had been working on. I had prepared three different things to talk about, one of which she clearly found very exciting and interesting. She suggested I focus on it for a start, and see what I could give her in a month. I felt ever so slightly glowing. I like having a manageable challenge, and a manageable deadline. As we were wrapping up, WW ambled in.

What Colin said about YHz not liking WW all that much never really occurred to me, but after he said it I notice it a lot. WW really likes to hear herself talk. She talks on and on, also repetitively, telling the exact same stories in the exact same words, to the point where it's not even very good listening comprehension practice for me to listen to her because I know it all by heart. YHz is a busy lady and has trouble tolerating it. The two of them tend to deal with the situation by falling into an antiphonal "praising Zapaper" session.

I am starting to hate this. At first it was encouraging and reassuring, but lately it has started to feel condescending and distracting. Okay, we've established that despite being a woefully ignorant American I can more or less read and talk and understand things. Now can we just get on with it already?

In a momentary lull in the praising session, I made "yielding the floor" motions and suggested that WW might have some question she wanted to ask our teacher…? She asked her question. It was something I knew a lot about. It was something I knew a lot about. It was something I knew a lot more about than she did. I was able to contribute quite productively to the ensuing discussion--not in a show-off way, just a way that quietly demonstrated to YHz that I was familiar with the topic. That made me feel a hundred times better than being praised to the skies… especially since, when I really think about it, I am really being praised for abilities roughly approximating those of a high school student... or maybe a five year old...

Then WW wanted YHz to go to dinner. She REALLY wanted her to go to dinner. YHz, who had her daughter there and clearly didn't want to subject either herself or her daughter to more of WW's company, declined. WW pressed embarrassingly hard and YHz declined very firmly. WW pressed to the point where it went way past being polite as far as I was concerned. I suggested that YHz's daughter would surely be bored. YHz said her daughter had an exam tomorrow--it just wasn't a good time for her. WW wouldn't quit. If I were better at acting like a classmate I suspect I would have interceded and made things right, but it is hard with not understanding cultural norms quite, and being halting with the language still. Still, I did my best, putting on my coat and making to leave.

YHz made her escape. I was stuck with WW. I made impotent noises about going to the library, but WW wanted to take me to dinner. If she couldn't nab YHz, she would at least practice her English on me.

We went to the Duck King restaurant, arriving around five. The place was empty. WW ordered and made a big fuss about it. She complained about everything, the menu, the way they prepared the dishes, just everything. She kept asking for vegetables, and not seeing anything she liked on their vegetable menu, turned over a few pages and then said again, Why am I not seeing any vegetables. The waitress was amazingly patient, even when WW said loudly that they must have changed chefs recently, the menu wasn't as good as it had been. When the appetizers came, she said, they weren't as good either. She was clearly in a bad mood from the failure of her plans to persuade YHz to come, but I don't see it was necessary to take it out on the waitress.

The waitress warned that it would be an hour wait for the duck. WW said, fine. We ate duck livers and duck webs. The livers were good--I'm getting a taste for them--but the webs were disturbing. They had the duck equivalent of Achilles' tendons still attached, sort of the duck's ankles, and I didn't like that at all. But I didn't say anything, just praised the food mildly, and gently suggested that WW shouldn't bully the waitress.

Then some painful English speaking on WW's part. I was to sing for my supper. I sang for my supper. Also I got treated to the same narratives of how undiligent American students were, how they had no interest in Chinese culture… then the same exact phrases about how amazing it was that I had managed to choose YHz… then how if I weren't so amazing she wouldn't be interested in me at all. I don't mind speaking English with a beginner, but I'm getting horribly sick of all this.

Dinner arrived somewhat on the lukewarm side, as if the waitress had left it deliberately to sit for a few minutes. I didn't blame her at all, though lukewarm duck is rather lackluster.

I never bully the waitress. You think they won't dare have their revenge on you, but you never know. They have control over your restaurant experience in a dozen ways, and especially in a culture where there is no tipping, they have nothing to lose. I am as polite to them as I would be to millionaire.

One thing I did find out was how much WW makes a month (she claims a university professor makes about that as well). I won't say how much, but I will say I was quite surprised. I think of her as very affluent. But I guess it's more power and privilege than wealth, or maybe her husband makes a good bit more than she. All I'm saying is, her total monthly income is about the same as my monthly pocket and book money--what I spend excluding rent and lesson fees and unusual expenses. I suddenly realized why people are so horrified even by my "adjusted" monthly rent--it's three-quarters the monthly income of a well-off person here, whereas it's just a fraction of mine. WW wanted to know how much a university professor makes in the States, and was suitably impressed by the answer.

In general, though, it is frustrating to talk to her because (I mean among many other reasons) she loves to be the expert on Chinese culture, but she is completely uninterested in hearing comparisons with American culture, unless she herself makes them based on her limited experience. Well in essence she likes to talk but hates to listen. Or maybe she finds my Chinese to slow for her taste and only wants to hear brief phrases. She has an annoying way of saying, "That's right, wouldn't you say?" so you have to either agree or attempt to raise an objection and get bull-dozed under her next flow of rhetoric culmination in another "That's right, wouldn't you say?" I was ready to cut her some slack last time, but this time my patience was wearing thin.

She talked on and on. It was cold in the restaurant and--I am not exaggerating--hours passed. I smothered yawns. I now know several things about WW that are in the TMI category, such as that she has shy bladder syndrome (actually she told me that last time, but elaborated on it at great length this time). She also has step-mother around her own age. She told me all about the fabric she prefers for her underwear. Also, she told me about 16 times that I need to go back to the States and get married as soon as possible. At my advanced (spinsterish) age, I should start having children right away--before it's too late!!Thanks WW.

I was annoyed at the time, but I'm even more annoyed now. Yeah, I know that Chinese culture is different on this point and it seems a perfectly acceptable thing to say. But it doesn't have to be said over and over again, especially when I don't have any choice in the matter: I will be here until June or July and that's that. As for getting married and having kids, well, that's not entirely up to me either, you know? If I were hesitating over staying another year it would be one thing, but I already clearly said I wasn't going to. Grrr.

At 8 I started stirring and making my best let's get going? motions. She went and paid the bill (about which I felt really guilty, now that I know her income--I wish she would let me treat sometimes but she never will. She says condescendingly that aren't I a guest in her country? I tried out all my best lines that my teacher AL taught me, but without success). Then WW came back saying one of our dishes hadn't come. It seems the waitress "forgot." I suggested we just tell them we didn't want it. I was very full and very tired. She said that would be a waste of money wouldn't it? Can't you get it taken off the order? I wanted to know. Apparently it doesn't work that way here.

At least it was a soup--not a very good one to my taste (no salt!) but hot and not too filling. I ate it fast to try to move things along, all without success. She talked on and on. I contemplated whether treating someone to dinner and not letting them leave would be called "passive aggressive" by those who use such labels. I don't, usually, because it never helps anything and if you accuse someone of it to their face it just pisses them off, unless they are ironic about it. Still, in this case, I did not feel it was socially acceptable to suggest we move along, and I wonder if she was keeping me on there just because she was enjoying my discomfiture. (Or am I being over-sensitive? Maybe she just doesn't read social signals well, or the signals are somehow different in China...)

I didn't walk in the door of my room until 10. That's five and a half hours of WW. I felt like I never wanted to hear another word in Chinese again. I was so tired by the end I was stumbling over my words--I'd gotten up at 6:30 that morning, worked hard all day… WW didn't fail to say again, in the car, that she was afraid if I didn't have children soon--well, she was worried about my fertility. I regretted ever admitting my age to her, though it's hard not to answer a direct question. I have prepare myself in advance, as I have on the matter of rent. I tell myself, I will avoid or lie about the question of my rent. (Almost all of us foreign students do. A Western standard of living costs more than seem reasonable to most Chinese people…) I never thought to avoid or lie about my age though. I'm not ashamed of my age. But sheesh, having aspersions repeatedly cast on my putative fertility is a pretty hard thing. Especially since I've never even tried to get pregnant, and have gone to great lengths to avoid it. I mean, I have another ten years or so don't I? I'm only 31. Ha, there I go again, admitting my age to the whole blogosphere…

But this is all by the way.

All I'm saying is, I was feeling pretty battered and weary by the time I walked in my door. I will have to have one more dinner with YHz and WW next week, I think, although I may be able to avoid it. Hard to say. YHz seems to take a sadistic delight in encouraging WW to spend time with me, telling her she can learn a lot from me. Thanks YHz. Equal parts pragmatism (more time with me, less time with her) and compliment (the kind of compliment that gets one stabbed in the back). But after next week, I'm quitting. Enough is enough. I hereby declare that I am going to be prepared in advance to say, No, I'm sorry, I have something I have to be getting to just now… If I prepare in advance I should be able to do it. Maybe I can get some advice from AL on this matter...

Okay, sorry for the big long rant, but it's nice to bitch about it all.