Wedding Eve (1 day)

There have been many things to write about these past weeks, but at this time more than any other, I have been too busy living to think about recording. It has been a very vivid time, especially the past few days: staying in a hotel long enough almost to call it home, having all together these different sets of relatives and friends, being faced with crises and adventures and things that need to be arranged, trying to see everyone all at once. Imagine, today I saw a high school friend I haven't seen face to face for some twelve or thirteen years! And family members I haven't seen for years either... as well as members of my new family whom I had never met. Having my mom near has been somehow quite indispensable psychologically. Even if it's just little things, knowing that I can run over to her room or call her on her cell somehow makes all the difference. The same is of course true about my dad, whose presence is comforting and supporting in quite another way, but maybe it's a deep strange feature of impending marriage that I want very much to run to her and be soothed.

Actually today was quite a relaxing day. We had the rehearsal yesterday, and that was very stressful, very heavy somehow. I can see why people have them, but it was a difficult thing to do. Maybe some of the nervousness will be dissipated. I have heard that when the bride gets married she is often very absent and numb during the actual ceremony, but I didn't feel that way during the rehearsal. I was totally and almost excruciatingly there! We are going to say our vows holding hands. Mom commented that we are glad we are holding on to each other (or holding each other up!). I think we were both a little overwhelmed by even the dry run. Today, though, we went on a long hike with a large group of friends and had dinner at a pub afterwards. There was a lot of jollity, different friends leaving and arriving, a very kicking back mellow kind of night. Pocket of Bolts and I got along quite well considering...! Possibly I was a bit peevish but at least not a total basket case.

I told Pocket of Bolts that the wedding experience is partly for me the process of learning how to be not a princess but a queen. I feel that, a gradual increasing feeling of dignity and gravity. It is not a role that comes naturally, one I am having to grow into, but I think I am succeeding in doing so. Except at odd moments. It is grand to have supportive family and good friends around me, people I care about and whose presence is simply pleasing. One thing that really pleases me best is the guest list, the people who ended up being here. It is marvelous that they are here, every last one.

Well, I must go to my parents' room, as we are spending the night apart. It seems silly, but at the same time one of those traditions that we'll only have this one chance to experience. I presume it is intended to prevent us from having some stress-related fight...! In any case, I am slipping out of the room now, while Pocket of Bolts is down the hall having a last round (or many) with the jolly company of our friends. When next I write I suppose I will be someone new, but then I am already starting to feel like someone new.